Hyundai for sale, 40 careful owners.

I think I would steer clear of any second-hand new-generation Hyundai i30s for the time being, especially if it has a massive 'ex-demonstration' sticker in the window.

For Hyundai's latest publicity stunt has been to leave one of the spanking new i30s in the middle of the baboon enclosure at Knowsley Safari Park for 10 hours while they tried to rip things off and liberally smeared shit over the seats. Apparently Wayne Rooney's car was damaged when visiting the place last year (perhaps they thought he was coming home), so this was the ideal acid test.

Eurgh.

Lotus has gone mental.

(So, to catch you up if you've not been following, there have been all sorts of rumours about Lotus since Malaysian parent company Proton was bought by Malaysian conglomerate (nasty word) DRB-HICOM. They build cars and that.

The rumours (circulated by some respectable journalists, and some industry oddballs) have been that CEO Dany Bahar has been sacked, and that Lotus is to be put into administration by DRB so that they can get rid of it and shrug off around £200m of debts the sportscar manufacturer has built up.)

That Lotus press release in full before someone decides to try and take out a superinjunction and get it back:

Never let the facts get in the way of a good story….

Take a little look at what we found online. Don’t you think it’s funny? We do. We had a good old giggle. After all, we love a bit of self irony, just as well really. Although it’s funny, this one’s not accurate but then again, why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The inconvenient truth is – surprise, surprise – we have never said that there are no problems at Lotus.

So whilst lots of people obviously feel the need to comment on Lotus’ current situation in the absence of proper facts or evidence, we can’t ignore these particular mistruths any longer even if we would like to, so we have decided to turn a negative into a positive and use this hilarious piece of ‘art’ to set the record straight regarding the status quo at Group Lotus and try to return a little stability to a fast changing situation.

False rumour #1: Dany Bahar is no longer CEO of Group Lotus.
Fact: Rubbish – Dany Bahar still is.

False rumour #2: Dato’ Sri Syed is no longer Managing Director of Proton.
Fact: Again rubbish. He still is.

You can thank good old Tony Fernandes for these two. Don’t take everything he tweets too seriously – perhaps he’s still frustrated about owning Caterham instead of Lotus and the fact that he fights HRT and Marussia instead of Mercedes and Ferrari in F1.

And whilst we’re on the subject of jokes - do you know the latest F1 joke? Mike Gascoyne, Caterham Group’s Chief Technical Officer, has gone missing. Why? He’s looking for the 30 to 40 points he predicted for the last F1 season. Funny.

Speaking of F1: It seems that one special so called ‘independent’ source is at the root of the lion’s share of damaging rumours and misleading stories. The delightful Joe Saward which leads us nicely to….

False rumour #3: Joe Saward is JUST an independent journalist.
Fact: He is an active Director on the Caterham Group Board.

And unlike some, we don’t want to get too personal, so we’ll leave it to you to judge how ‘independent’ his stories about Lotus are.

False rumour #4: Group Lotus is no longer involved in F1.
Fact: Lotus F1 Team and Group Lotus have reshaped their commercial relationship earlier this year. The new governance agreement signifies the continued commitment of Group Lotus to the team and the sport.

Group Lotus’ branding and marketing rights and subsequent activities remain unaffected by the new agreement until at least 2017. Alongside continued branding and title partnership status, Group Lotus is also the exclusive master licensee for all Lotus F1 Team merchandise.

The new agreement was reached following Group Lotus owners Proton providing team owners Genii with a £30m loan which is repayable within three years. In order to secure the loan Genii used 100% of the F1 team’s assets as collateral meaning that under the conditions of the loan agreement Proton have been given full title guarantee to all plant, machinery, show cars, computers, office and the Lotus F1 Team headquarters.

In addition Proton retains the rights to purchase 10% of the F1 team. Another 10% share option will be activated if the team default on their loan obligations with Proton.

Again we leave it to your judgement how ‘bad’ Lotus’ current situation in F1 is. And speaking of bad situations…..

False rumour #5: Group Lotus is going into administration.
Fact: Rubbish. The takeover of our parent company Proton by DRB-HICOM couldn’t have come at a worse time, but up until that point Proton was (and still remains) fully committed to our five year business plan to create jobs and to expand the factory and business. With the takeover process the funding has been restricted and DRB-HICOM is taking time to understand what to do with the business. DRB-HICOM is currently in the middle of due diligence of Group Lotus and there have been and continue to be positive discussions between Group Lotus senior management and senior management at DRB-HICOM both here in Hethel and in Malaysia. At no point has DRB-HICOM indicated to Group Lotus that it intends to put the company into administration. The over-active rumour mill is seriously damaging our business reputation, image and credibility but it is what it is.

The simple fact is, and we haven’t denied this - Lotus is going through a very difficult phase at the moment but we are showing true fighting spirit every day in trying to keep this vision alive. This is also a fact – no matter what people outside of Lotus may say or tweet or blog.

Texts from Hillary to Dany Bahar.

Lotus has just released the most mental response to the swirling rumours around its future that I've ever seen. Bear in mind that this is an actual press release that has gone to actual publications around the actual industry. No wonder Hillary is getting involved.

P.S. If you're not in on the joke, check out the most excellent Texts From Hillary website.

Geneva show press day liveblog!

5.57pm - It's still a bit cold out today. It hasn't rained though, which is good, because I left my umbrella at home. Again.

It is nine degrees in Geneva.

4.31pm - Also, I went to Ikea for lunch. It was delicious.

4.27pm - Gosh, how time flies when you are enjoying yourself. Also, when you are in the office. I say in the office, but we did pop out for a quick photo shoot with the longterm Audi A1 we've got in at the moment. We are comparing it with the most powerful model in the range which has double the horsepower and costs nearly £7,000 more.

12.02pm - Business as usual. Some writing. Some more coffee. Definitely no buffet lunches or swanky press conferences here.

10.09am - More incomprehensible guff from Bentley: "The name ‘EXP 9 F’ continues a Bentley tradition for its Experimental concepts that dates back to the very roots of the Company. While this explains ‘EXP 9’, the story behind the ‘F’ is quite different. It stands for Falcon and helps to forge the link between Bentley Motors and Peckforton Castle."

I still don't get it.

9.52am - I should have recreated the Geneva press day atmosphere by hiring two models to lounge by the urn in the staff kitchen all day. Thinking about my options for lunch.

9.32am - I am now firmly ensconced at work with a cup of coffee. The traffic wasn't too bad this morning. Bit overcast out.

8.07am - The big news of the day so far is that the rucksack I often use for launches which I washed last night is almost dry already. Also, Nissan are going to build a new, as-yet unspecified car at its Sunderland plant. I'm basically thrilled.

7.49am - I am listening to Radio 4. Trying to decide whether I want to get out of bed and have some coffee. I was going to have some food, but I have just seen pictures of the new Bentley SUV concept again and I'm feeling kinda queasy.

7.37am - I have checked my emails. Some press releases. I have checked twitter. Lots of smug journalists tweeting pictures from the show. Pff.

7.26am - I have woken up before my alarm. I hate it when that happens. I am not going to Geneva today, but didn't want to get left behind by all the exciting news.

Have a Seat.

My job’s a funny one. Travelling around to drive new cars you often end up with the same people every couple of weeks – this little community has built up around launches and you get to know people that little better every time, until they get a new job and someone else takes their place.

It seems to me there’s this unwritten rule of ‘what happens on launch, stays on launch’. A few stories escape of minibar binges or cars written off, and I’ve seen first-hand the carnage that alcohol can wreak, with people dancing on tables or waking up with Slovenian women in their hotel room.

But you get these signpost events in the journalistic calendar – motor shows, one-off specials and especially the end of term Seat Christmas party. Tonight the latter took place – a trendy confection of who’s who in motoring journalism crammed into an Oxford St. hotspot with recently former F1 driver Jaime Alguersuari pumping out obnoxiously loud music from the decks and a bar positively vomiting drinks into people. It was great.

Of course, I can barely talk now that I’ve spent an entire evening gossiping at the top of my voice (subtly, of course) and I’m aching having spent the whole evening sucking in my stomach so that my waistcoat didn’t explode. There are definitely things to speak of – the monthly consumer mag editor dancing like an ageing lesbian, the up-and-comer getting progressively slurrier and the seasoned pro on a queasy prowl for the ladies. But we will leave those suitably vague to avoid any lawsuits. Of course, I left fairly early, so I'm looking forward to hearing about whatever fights, vomiting and embarrassing activities have gone on.

What was really nice was to see unseen rivals and colleagues gathering in one place to have fun and relax in each other’s company. So there we have it – the Seat party has happened, now we can have Christmas.

I am an official friend of the environment.

I was recently engaged as a co-driver in the RAC Future Car Challenge by the indubitable Hannah from Green Car Design. It was quite the thrill, going up against some of the best drivers in the world. And Damon Hill was there too. Haha, see what I did there?

Damon was driving the same car as us, a Peugeot 508 e-HDI, and I was determined to smash him. I’m competitive like that, you see. More out of our league was television’s favourite North Face-wearing building site visitor Kevin McCloud. He was driving a sexy little EV prototype that looked far less comfortable and warm than our Peugeot, but infinitely greener.

The route took us on the reverse route of the following day’s London to Brighton veteran car run – the unadulterated poisonous clouds of death the classics would be belching out clearly offset by our environmentally friendly ways. We started off at the coast and made our way up to central London, where the adoring crowds were waiting for us in Regent Street.

It’s massively nerve-wracking, doing eco-driving. You don’t want to be driving inefficiently, slowing down for red lights or other cars. You become relentlessly focused on the task in hand, supremely selfish and obsessed with your dashboard readouts. The biggest problem was getting stuck behind EVs – their optimum speed was something approaching walking distance, but our turbodiesel engine was better at higher speeds, with double digits.

Once we had arrived in Regent Street there was a terrifically nerve-wracking wait* to find out the results. And do you know what? My neurotic competitiveness had won the day – we beat our competitors to a surprising class win. I can’t even remember the figures by this stage – I think our MPG was in the mid-60s somewhere.

Let's be frank though. It’s not the facts, but the winning – and beating Damon Hill – that counts.

*By nerve-wracking wait I mean interminable train journey to Brighton to pick up the car I’d gone down in.

Stuck on an Italian motorway.

"Er, help?"

"Schwibbledy bon giorno telepass."

"I have no Italian, could you say something in English, please?"

"SCHWIBBLEDY BON GIORNO TELEPASS."

"WE HAVE. A TELEPASS."

"SCHWIBBLEDY BON GIORNO TELEPASS!"

We were getting nowhere. I was sitting in the facelifted Mazda 3 MPS with the internet's Alex Goy in he driving seat, apparently on the verge of sobbing down an Italian motorway intercom.

We had survived the Mazda's violent tendency to throw you into the path of oncoming traffic under acceleration, and we had survived my somewhat perky driving style. To die here, to die now, in the corner of some unknown Italian tollbooth... Well, it would just be perverse.

To die in a Mazda 3, that would be something. Nowhere near James Dean's Porsche Speedster on the scale of cool ways to go. They may have tinkered with the driving dynamics, fettled the dampers and reprofiled the front bumper to shave 0.01 off the drag coefficient, but they had done nothing to make James Dean want to crash one. Though he may not have had a choice - seriously, that torque steer...

Something in Alex's voice, the faint quivering tremor, the fact that he had just reversed the car out of one toll lane to try the next Telepass booth and nearly triggered a minor RTA - the stoic man at the other end of the intercom marked HELP in blocky yellow letters took compassion where I could only laugh and take the handbrake off so that we rolled imperceptibly forwards as Alex hung out of the window yelling. The barrier, once forever blocking our way to freedom, lifted up. Zoom zoom.

I am in Portugal.

I am in Portugal, strolling round a seaside car park for several minutes. I say strolling. I mean gasping for air next to the new Kia Rio. It's humid.

Enter a policeman, stage left.

"Hola, Portuguese?"

"Er, no, sorry. English."

"Why so many of this cars?" 

"It's a...NEW. CAR. (steering wheel gesture) Laaaunch. First time. EVER. (expansive arm gesture nearly hits policeman in face) Driving." 

"Ah. You come from England to drive? Nice life!"

Despite being a patronising twat, I come away from this moment of bonding and international reconciliation with a warm glow. It was really hot out there, you know?

But the car was surprisingly good and it is a nice life. Although perhaps this is me being patronising again, because Kia has been on a roll of late. I love the new Picanto - it's one of the few cars I could see me spending my own limited amounts of money on to own.

The best thing about the car was far and away the new three-cylinder 1.1-litre diesel engine that Kia has developed. I'm still struggling for accurate adjectives writing up my roadtest for the mag, but it thrums with charm and has more accessible torque than any of its sister engines in the Rio range, petrol or diesel. It is basically magical. With those other engines you find yourself hunting up and down the gearbox for the sweet spot like an addict in search of the most fleeting fix. But the 1.1? It is that sweet spot.

The handling isn't too bad, either - there's minimal feel to the steering and you can occasionally lose where the front wheels are pointed, but the Rio doesn't wash out into understeer at the sight of a mildly tricky corner, it just seems to cling gamely on. If they can knock together a half-decent performance version of the Rio I reckon they'll be onto a winner. No really.

Kia's inexorable march to the top (it and sister company Hyundai are joint fourth in the list of top 10 global car manufacturers) has a narrative that bangs on endlessly about the mojo that formerAudidesignerPeterSchreyer has brought to the table, but the company still needs to come up with the goods in other areas. It's well on the way - and besides, the police like it.

Attacked by a zombie.

To tell you the truth, what really tickles me about Peugeots is the badge. They redesigned it not long ago to have a fresh business face and all that shizzle, simplifying and funkifying as is the corporate wont these days.

Jaguar has done something similar with its unfortunately nicknamed ‘Growler’ which appears on the front of its cars. Personally I always preferred the leaping cat to the gurning gargoyle, but the former does conjure up certain images of 1950s limousines, so I can see why they went bling.

The Peugeot badge, though…or the zombie lion, as I call it. It genuinely does look like a rampaging zombie wildcat. I’ve never really thought of animals being zombies, but why can’t the walking undead have pets? If Siegfried and Roy ever stalked the earth hunting for brains they’d need something on a chain to keep them company, no? To tell you the truth Zombie Lion does scare me a bit.

The Growler seems like a cool dude - he wears shades, after all - he seems like a mentalist car badge that can be reasoned with. Zombie Lion less so. He would chew off your face and use your femur as a toothpick before remembering he was only going to ask you what the time was. And it must kill him that he's stuck on the front of a Peugeot - no wonder he's mad. Grr.

I do a podcast whilst on a racetrack. Oo-er.

I recently got to spend some quality time on a nice racetrack up in the north somewhere (the Midlands) with television's Charlie Butler-Henderson of the great Butler-Henderson clan. He's a racing driver, who also does some telly. He's quite a good racing driver. It was lots of fun to drive around the racing track with him giving me some tips and encouraging me to explore the talents of the Seat Leon FR+.

It's not the hottest Leon, but I reckon it's the most fun. It's all fast and that, with nice handling and Volkswagen's twin-clutch gearbox that does gear changes REALLY QUICKLY. Like faster than it takes for you to read this. It just reaches that nice balance between a spunky car you can have fun in, and a spunky car that will land you in prison.

Anyway, I sort of digress - the main reason I bring all of this up is not just to brag about all of the fun I've been having, but also to point you in the direction of a PODISODE that I recorded with Alex Goy. Well, he recorded it with me. It's his podisode. But he graciously allowed me to be a background artiste and converse with him as we drove around the circuit. That was also fun.

Have a listen here. Go on.